HOT OR NOT: McDonald’s characters

Is the new Hamburglar an upgrade or a downgrade? Is it wrong to crush on Grimace? This, and more questions we tackle in our evaluation of the McDonald's character lineup 

Hamburglar, is that you?
Hamburglar, is that you?
08 May 2015

Hamburglar, is that you?

In a surprise campaign yesterday, McDonald’s revealed that they’d remade the formerly buck-toothed, red-haired, chubby-cheeked hooligan into a scruffy suburban dad. Uh, DILF alert?

In a statement to Mashable, a McDonald’s spokesperson said that this Hamburglar has “had some time to grow up a bit and has been busy raising a family in the suburbs and his look has evolved over time.”

While the internet can’t seem to decide whether they’re repulsed by or attracted to the new Hamburglar, he’s certainly not the hottest – or the creepiest – citizen of The Hamburger Patch. 

Grimace
Grimace
08 May 2015

Grimace

Abs are so 2014. This year, it’s all about the DADBOD, which has been described as “a nice balance between a beer gut and working out”. With his soft, squishy belly and wobbly gait, Grimace is alternatively adorable and terrifying.

Verdict: HOT

Ronald McDonald
Ronald McDonald
08 May 2015

Ronald McDonald

If there’s one thing it’s okay to discriminate against, it’s clowns. Sorry, Ronald, but your face is the last thing we’d want to see after waking up to in the middle of the night.

Verdict: NOT

Birdie the Early Bird
Birdie the Early Bird
08 May 2015

Birdie the Early Bird

It’s not easy being the only identifiably female character in a brood of bros. As the fast food equivalent of Smurfette, Birdie managed to hold her own by learning karate, by somewhat knowing how to fly, and by being THE AMBASSADOR OF MCDONALD’S BREAKFAST, a.k.a. the only reason we were even awake enough to write this. 

Verdict: HOT 

Fry Kids
Fry Kids
08 May 2015

Fry Kids

What these walking pom-poms lack in height, they completely make up for in rockin’ headgear, footwear, and even Groucho glasses.

Verdict: HOT

The McNugget Buddies
The McNugget Buddies
08 May 2015

The McNugget Buddies

Ugh. Zero points for looking drunk ALL THE TIME. (We always thought that these creepy little things looked more like hash browns than Chicken McNuggets anyway.)

Verdict: NOT

Mayor McCheese
Mayor McCheese
08 May 2015

Mayor McCheese

The fact that this character exists – and was designed for children – is proof that people consumed way too many illegal substances in the ‘70s. Good riddance, Mayor.

Verdict: NOT

Officer Big Mac
Officer Big Mac
08 May 2015

Officer Big Mac

Maybe it’s the combat boots. Maybe it’s the constable uniform. Or maybe it’s the fact that he has double the patties. Whatever the case, Officer Big Mac is certifiably sizzlin’.  

Verdict: HOT

The Happy Meal Gang
The Happy Meal Gang
08 May 2015

The Happy Meal Gang

These guys > Hello Kitty. Right, ‘80s children? Also, the burger is wearing a bow tie! 

Verdict: HOT

Uncle O’Grimacey
Uncle O’Grimacey
08 May 2015

Uncle O’Grimacey

Grimace with an Irish accent. OHHH YEAHH. (Sure, he was phased out of the McDonald’s lineup before we were even born, but he could pull a Hamburglar and come back to life as Colin Farrell.)

Verdict: HOT 

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