13 signs you’re the grandma in your group of friends

For everyone who would rather play mahjong at home than go out on a Friday night 

Photos: ING Image
Photos: ING Image
24 Jul 2015

Photos: ING Image

You might look young on the outside, but secretly, you enjoy nothing more than falling asleep in your rocking chair. Here are 10 signs you’re an old person stuck in a young person’s body, surrounded by actual young people.

1. You are ALWAYS cold
1. You are ALWAYS cold
24 Jul 2015

1. You are ALWAYS cold

You are that one friend who refuses to turn on the air-conditioning, no matter how stuffy it is indoors. And it’s not because you need to save money. It’s because you legitimately start shivering in temperatures under 25 degrees. Who needs aircon when you’ve got a fan? Who needs an artificially cool breeze when you can open a window? 

2. You only watch movies that end before 9 pm
2. You only watch movies that end before 9 pm
24 Jul 2015

2. You only watch movies that end before 9 pm

Midnight premiere of Ant-Man...HAHA NO. You’ll catch the matinee showing at the budget theatre three months from now, thanks.

3. You always have a bag of old candies in your purse
3. You always have a bag of old candies in your purse
24 Jul 2015

3. You always have a bag of old candies in your purse

Tic-Tacs? Starburst? So gross. When people ask for a sweet, you offer them Werther’s from a Ziploc bag filled with caramels that have melted, hardened, and melted again.

4. You have dirt on EVERYBODY
4. You have dirt on EVERYBODY
24 Jul 2015

4. You have dirt on EVERYBODY

You know that your second cousin once removed is marrying a random girl he met on a Chinese dating site. You know that your sister’s classmate’s ex-girlfriend has had three nose jobs. You are also the first to notice when two people are secretly in love with each other, but in complete denial about their feelings. You’re clearly the greatest asset in your group of friends.

5. Literally everything makes you feel old
5. Literally everything makes you feel old
24 Jul 2015

5. Literally everything makes you feel old

Clueless turned 20 this year? You’re old. Children have their own iPads? Back in the day, you had to make do with fresh air and a sandbox. Facebook isn’t cool anymore because everyone’s now on Insta—wait, what? Instagram isn’t cool anymore either? So what do people even use now? Snapchat? What the *&%$ is a Snapchat? YOU ARE SO OLD AND UNCOOL UGHHHH.

6. You can’t go to bed without a glass of port or sherry
6. You can’t go to bed without a glass of port or sherry
24 Jul 2015

6. You can’t go to bed without a glass of port or sherry

While all your friends are still chugging cheap beer and shots of tequila, you’ve grown accustomed to drinking a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon with your steak, followed by a bit of port before your 10 pm bedtime.

7. You only wear (knockoff) Birkenstocks and canvas flats
7. You only wear (knockoff) Birkenstocks and canvas flats
24 Jul 2015

7. You only wear (knockoff) Birkenstocks and canvas flats

You don’t understand why anyone would choose to wear clothes that are remotely uncomfortable. Isn’t life short enough without risking a fractured ankle in high heels? Don’t you feel much less grumpy in a cotton dress than in skinny jeans? Anyway, hasn’t anyone heard of Normcore? Dowdiness is in now.

8. You prefer the company of very small children to that of adults
8. You prefer the company of very small children to that of adults
24 Jul 2015

8. You prefer the company of very small children to that of adults

People are only tolerable between the age of foetus (literal foetus) and 10. Once they start hitting puberty, it’s over. You’re a jerk. They’re jerks. Everybody’s a jerk. Until then, you’re happy to surround yourself with tiny, slobbering humans who still act like you’re the coolest person in the world for having a purse full of caramels.

9. You update your Facebook WAY too often
9. You update your Facebook WAY too often
24 Jul 2015

9. You update your Facebook WAY too often

New high score in Candy Crush? FACEBOOK IT.

New wanton mee stall in the coffee shop below your flat? FACEBOOK IT.

New photos of your nephew after he pooped in the bath? FACEBOOK IT.

New picture of an inspirational quote that is probably misattributed, but heartwarming nonetheless? FACEBOOK IT AND TAG ALL YOUR FRIENDS. INSPIRATIONAL FACEBOOK STATUSES ARE THE NEW EMAIL FORWARDS.

10. You’ve set Groupon as your homepage
10. You’ve set Groupon as your homepage
24 Jul 2015

10. You’ve set Groupon as your homepage

Not only are you the type of person who will refuse to buy anything over S$100 unless it is marked down, but you’re the type of person who will travel from Tampines to Choa Chu Kang just to score a discounted air fryer.

11. You still use Internet Explorer
11. You still use Internet Explorer
24 Jul 2015

11. You still use Internet Explorer

There’s no need to install Chrome or Mozilla "Fox Fighter" when you can access The Googles just as effectively on good ‘ol IE. Who cares if you get a virus? You can always consult your grandchildren (and by grandchildren, you mean IT-savvy friends who will scold you for not upgrading your browser, but who will help you fix things anyway.)

12. You buy people presents for no reason
12. You buy people presents for no reason
24 Jul 2015

12. You buy people presents for no reason

You don’t need a reason to love people. You just do. You keep your friends and family so close to your heart, that it’s hard to go anywhere without seeing something that reminds you of one of them. So whether it’s a piece of clothing, an exciting new gadget, or a simple bowl of noodles, you’ll buy it for them, knowing that it will put a smile on their faces. And speaking of food…

13. You always make or order extra helpings
13. You always make or order extra helpings
24 Jul 2015

13. You always make or order extra helpings

People never feel hungry after dining with you. You always make or order extras, knowing that it’s better to have too much than too little. But at the same time, you don’t waste food. Everyone goes home with a few containers full of goodies so that they can share the love with their families at home.

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