25 things you see on your Facebook feed after you turn 25

If you’re 24 going on 25, here’s what you can expect to see in the next year (SPOILER ALERT: babies).

25 THINGS YOU SEE ON FACEBOOK AFTER YOU TURN 25
25 THINGS YOU SEE ON FACEBOOK AFTER YOU TURN 25
11 Mar 2015

25 THINGS YOU SEE ON FACEBOOK AFTER YOU TURN 25

PHOTOS: Ingimage 

The other day, I read a Facebook status from an old classmate that went something like this: “I’ve finally reached that stage of life where my Facebook feed shows more photos of babies in Halloween costumes than adults in Halloween costumes.”

Sadly, it’s true. Once you hit 25, the contents of your Facebook feed will be rendered unrecognisable. Clubbing pictures will disappear beneath the torrent of 3-D ultrasound photos, while selfies with beer mugs will be replaced by selfies with bottles of cold-pressed juice. So if you’re 24 going on 25, here’s what you can expect to see in the next year (SPOILER ALERT: babies).

25 THINGS YOU SEE ON YOUR FACEBOOK FEED AFTER YOU TURN 25
25 THINGS YOU SEE ON YOUR FACEBOOK FEED AFTER YOU TURN 25
11 Mar 2015

25 THINGS YOU SEE ON YOUR FACEBOOK FEED AFTER YOU TURN 25

1. An engagement announcement with over 800 likes, complete with pictures that look like photo stills from a Korean drama

And thanks to Facebook’s algorithm, it will remain at the top of your News Feed for the rest of the week.

2. An album of engagement or wedding photos taken in Taiwan

These will feature the bride in four different satin gowns, posing serenely in a meadow, on a beach, or in a sea of mist.

3. Someone live-updating their first marathon

Prepare yourself for screenshots from FitBit and RunKeeper. It doesn’t matter how good or bad this person is at running, they WILL provide you with timings, distance, calories burnt, and estimated finish times.


4. A Hermes bag as a “push present”

Push present: an expensive gift given to someone who has just pushed a baby out of her uterus. In a month or so, atas mummy will be out and about with a Birkin on one arm, and baby on the other.


5. A baby dressed in clothes that cost more than this week’s paycheck

Even though you’re being out-#SWAG-ed by a baby, you will hit “Like” because OMG IT’S A TINY HUMAN WEARING ALEXANDER WANG and you are powerless to resist. 

25 THINGS YOU SEE ON YOUR FACEBOOK FEED AFTER YOU TURN 25
25 THINGS YOU SEE ON YOUR FACEBOOK FEED AFTER YOU TURN 25
11 Mar 2015

25 THINGS YOU SEE ON YOUR FACEBOOK FEED AFTER YOU TURN 25

6. Check-ins at the artisanal brunch cafe, the farmer's market, or shakespeare in the park
Say goodbye to check-ins at Zouk, and hello to check-ins at any locale that offers bespoke cocktails with organic fruit bowls.

7. A GoPro video of somebody’s honeymoon
After you’ve seen one snorkeling video using music by Alesso, you’ve seen them all. They specially bought the GoPro for the occasion, and they will never use it again.

8. A pregnancy announcement that uses a blackboard, a pumpkin, or a bun inside a toaster oven as a prop
This is only the beginning. In two years, you will see that same bun-turned-toddler posing next to a pumpkin while wearing a T-shirt that says “I’m going to be a big brother!”.

9. A week’s worth of homecooked meals lovingly arranged inside a row of Tupperware
Where your friends find the time to cook a week’s worth of meals will forever remain a mystery.

10. Daily status updates from your friend who joined CrossFit
Few things in life are guaranteed, but we can assure you that at least one of your friends will join CrossFit after you turn 25, thus exposing you to the world of paleo, lifting, and Tough Mudder.

25 THINGS YOU SEE ON YOUR FACEBOOK FEED AFTER YOU TURN 25
25 THINGS YOU SEE ON YOUR FACEBOOK FEED AFTER YOU TURN 25
11 Mar 2015

25 THINGS YOU SEE ON YOUR FACEBOOK FEED AFTER YOU TURN 25

11. A little kid who magically transformed into an adult

Nothing makes us feel old like seeing photos of our former classmates…at the graduation of their younger sibling, who was still playing with LEGOs in the dirt the last time we saw him (but that’s nothing compared to the moment you start seeing engagement announcements from these former little kids).

12. The most unlikely people from your past getting together

One glorious day, you’ll open Facebook to see that your former class president has gotten together with the younger brother of the former captain of your school’s basketball team, whom she only reconnected with at the wedding of a mutual friend. Their relationship will be the talk of the town for two weeks, only for the gossip to fade when…

13. ….a photo of someone who got obvious plastic surgery

One of these days, you’re going to receive a message from an old friend asking if your classmate got a nose job. You will then proceed to spend an hour creeping through her entire archive of pictures to compare the before-and-after shots, before commissioning a braver person to ask her outright.

14. A picture of baby spit, poo, or vomit captioned “so proud”

UNFOLLOW. HIDE ALL. REPORT POST TO FACEBOOK.

15. The hashtag #theygrowuptoofast

This hashtag usually accompanies a quote by a toddler who is too clever for her own good (and certainly more clever than you).

25 THINGS YOU SEE ON YOUR FACEBOOK FEED AFTER YOU TURN 25
25 THINGS YOU SEE ON YOUR FACEBOOK FEED AFTER YOU TURN 25
11 Mar 2015

25 THINGS YOU SEE ON YOUR FACEBOOK FEED AFTER YOU TURN 25

16. The unexpected breakup of your secondary school’s golden couple

While you aren’t surprised that a couple who was together for 10 years without getting engaged has finally called it quits, you can’t help feeling like a small part of your youth died along with that relationship.

17. Photographic evidence that your favourite teacher got divorced, cheated on his partner, or is going through a midlife crisis

You’ll feel a little jaded seeing your formerly married favourite rolling with a league of leggy young ladies, but that’s what you get for adding teachers on Facebook (over-25 pro tip: don’t friend them unless you want to know way more about them than is comfortable).

18. A Facebook friend who changed her last name after getting married

“Amanda Zhang? Who the heck is this?? Oh, wait…” While most of your friends will either indicate their maiden name with a parenthesis or not bother changing their name at all, you will definitely be thrown off by the ones whose new last name made you wonder if you’d added a stranger by accident.

19. A wedding video so cinematic it makes the films of Wes Anderson look like trash

This video will be a Pinterest addict’s dream come true. The bride and groom will toast each other using mason jars. The reception will take place in a barn. And the bouquet will be made of seashells instead of flowers.

20. An album full of ultrasound photos

You sometimes wonder if how that kid will feel knowing that hundreds of people (many of them strangers) knew what he looked like before he was even born, before remembering that this is already the norm. Future generations will accept the exposure as a natural part of living in the 21st century. And then you will get horribly depressed, turn off your computer, and do something terribly old-fashioned, like taking a walk outside without using your phone.

25 THINGS YOU SEE ON YOUR FACEBOOK FEED AFTER YOU TURN 25
25 THINGS YOU SEE ON YOUR FACEBOOK FEED AFTER YOU TURN 25
11 Mar 2015

25 THINGS YOU SEE ON YOUR FACEBOOK FEED AFTER YOU TURN 25

21. A picture of a hotel swimming pool hashtagged #worktrip

"Sigh…another two weeks on the road.”

22. A close-up photo of an engagement ring

Yeah, engagement ring photos can be a little depressing when you’re hopelessly single, but on the upside, seeing all those bejeweled hands will give you a better idea of what you want yours to look like one day.

23. “Mommy wars” in the comment threads

What starts out as a simple Facebook status about breastfeeding, vaccines, or disposable diapers can quickly snowball into a long debate on parenting methods. (Ironically, these are usually the same mums who use Facebook to bemoan their lack of free time.)

24. Status updates from someone who’s still not over the six months he spent studying overseas

We all have that friend who did a semester in New York, and who spends the next two years waxing poetically about life in his beloved NYC. He whines about how much he misses bagels, he peppers your feed with lists like “100 Things All New Yorkers Know To Be True”, and he posts live updates on the ball dropping in Times Square on New Year’s Eve even though he’s not there.

25. A photo of a positive pregnancy test

Someday, when you meet that child-to-be, you will be able to say, “Darling, I still remember when you were just two lines on a stick.”

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