6 signs you’re choosing to settle

One of the scariest things to do in life is to settle. Not settle down, but settle.

Photos: ING Image
Photos: ING Image
10 Jan 2016

Photos: ING Image

One of the scariest things to do in life is to settle. Not settle down, but settle.
What’s the difference?

Society has quite a number of unwritten rules and unfair expectations on people to settle into a relationship. It is not uncommon for those around you to “scare” you into believing that if you are not attached by a certain age, there is something inherently wrong with you. Unfortunately, that’s usually enough to drive people into less-than-perfect relationships because they buy into the rhetoric that you will otherwise be forever alone and being alone is bad.

If you suspect, or even know, that this is you, take a look at the following 6 signs that you are choosing to settle in your relationship, and why each one is important for you to recognise and acknowledge, for the benefit of both yourself and your partner.

This story first appeared on Lunch Click.

1. “I might be able to do better, but I don’t want to risk being alone.”
1. “I might be able to do better, but I don’t want to risk being alone.”
10 Jan 2016

1. “I might be able to do better, but I don’t want to risk being alone.”

Oftentimes, 2 people get together after showing some level of interest in each other – to some people, this could mean they can finally be in a relationship as opposed to feeling they have finally found someone right for them. In other words, they are happy with the notion of having a partner rather than the partner himself/herself.

Therefore, after the initial euphoria dies down and the relationship lapses into being “just fine”, they cannot help but wonder if there is someone out there more suitable for them, but they don’t want to bear the risk of leaving their current relationship in case they wind up being alone.

After all, having somebody beats having nobody right? No.

2. “We don’t talk about the deep stuff.”
2. “We don’t talk about the deep stuff.”
10 Jan 2016

2. “We don’t talk about the deep stuff.”

It is normal to talk about your work or school, gossip, or even the weather. However, it is not normal if those represent all that you both talk about. If 2 people in a relationship cannot share their deepest fears and desires with each other, how can you expect to face life’s ups and downs together? Not talking about the deep stuff makes you no different from many of his/her other friends.

3. “Routine embodies our relationship.”
3. “Routine embodies our relationship.”
10 Jan 2016

3. “Routine embodies our relationship.”

There is certainly happiness to be found in everyday things. But if you’re feeling more boredom than bliss, then there’s a chance your relationship is has become too routine. You could be sticking to the same activities, which can starting feeling like chores or obligations instead of something you look forward to. Neither of you have much incentive to spice things up by suggesting new activities either.

4. “I sometimes envy my single friends.”
4. “I sometimes envy my single friends.”
10 Jan 2016

4. “I sometimes envy my single friends.”

While being single has its perks which many attached folks lament losing from time to time, it means another thing altogether if you frequently envy the lifestyles of your single friends. It could possibly be that you don’t see your current relationship being worthwhile enough to warrant the sacrifice of your singlehood.

5. “Things will get better…eventually.”
5. “Things will get better…eventually.”
10 Jan 2016

5. “Things will get better…eventually.”

You sense the daily grind in your relationship but reckon that things will get better (i.e. you will enjoy more passion, more connection and so on) once you get engaged or married or become parents or when you both vacation together…

Basically, you believe (or hope) things will get better somehow, someday. But when?

6. “I have to change for him/her to accept me.”
6. “I have to change for him/her to accept me.”
10 Jan 2016

6. “I have to change for him/her to accept me.”

A relationship is meant for 2 people to lift each other up to achieve whatever they want in life together–an us-against-the-world kind of team. If you find yourself needing to change yourself, whether in terms of your goals, values or dreams, in order for your partner to accept you, you are doing yourself a huge disservice. No healthy relationship can be built on too much personal sacrifice, especially when that sacrifice comes at the expense of your identity.

If the above signs speak to you, we don’t mean that you should walk away from your relationship straightaway. What you do need to do straightaway is to re-examine what you want out of your relationship and your own life.

Have an honest conversation with yourself and later on, when you deem fit, with your partner. Do this as soon as you can, or would you rather risk a lifetime of wondering, “What if”?

Related:
Why you should date the guy who wasn’t popular in school
4 clues that tell you you’ve nailed that second date
4 steps to engineering a recovery after the worst first date ever

Report a problem