Why are you still single?

A dating coach tells us why Singaporean women have a hard time settling down

Why are you still single?
Why are you still single?
07 May 2016

Why are you still single?

Singles in our high cost of living Lion City have a tough time finding "the one" and pragmatically loving the one they found. Many complain it's unfair that having self respect and going for what they want makes it seem like they are asking for too much. Singaporean girls have it all - alabaster skin, a slender frame, stroke-able hair, strong academic qualifications, a daytime desk at a Fortune 1000 firm, and the means to support themselves without sponging off a man. Why then are so many of us Singaporean girls single?

1. Your wish list is akin to finding a Siberian Unicorn
1. Your wish list is akin to finding a Siberian Unicorn
07 May 2016

1. Your wish list is akin to finding a Siberian Unicorn

You can't find a guy who makes it past item 10 on your check list. Your friends say you're looking for the Siberian unicorn because what you're looking for isn't real or sustainable. You say what you want is fair game: you'd like a man with good manners, who surprises you, who doesn't conference call around the clock (like you do), and who exercises three times a week.

Two decades ago, local Ah Nias hawkeyed the 5Cs (cash, car, credit card, condo and country club membership). Now many have their sights on the 5Bs - brains, brawn, background, breeding and someone who's willing to pay most if not all of the bills (car, house, F&B, lifestyle - effectively moving all the 5Cs into one bullet point). They believe they deserve someone of a higher standard who will put them on that upward socio-economic mobility path and guarantee that life is worth living.

Problem is, even if you find someone who meets the 101 items on your checklist, they still actually have to like you back - whether it's as basic as you being a look that they like or that you wield a certain mysterious existentialism and somehow magnetized them to you. 

2. You have a
2. You have a "type" that you can't shake off your attraction to
07 May 2016

2. You have a "type" that you can't shake off your attraction to

Do you like the same type of men over and over again? Do you think the best "love" for you has a certain look? Did you ever realize you were in love with the idea of love?

"Types" help you funnel down your options. But looks change over time. Visually manufacturing a man who's taller than you are with heels on, has a rear wheel drive car, natural double eye lids, and who was born to non-controlling parents (whom you never want to live with) is akin to digitally creating your perfect anime character.

Don't go for the wrong type. The kind that's unlikely to stay and give in a relationship. Go for a guy who's date and relationship ready. Look for traits that build lasting unions - honesty, generosity in heart and mind, and agreeability. Rejecting someone who is a narcissist is one thing. Rejecting someone just because he didn't walk you to your car is quite something else.
 

3. You're expecting too little and it doesn't do you any favours
3. You're expecting too little and it doesn't do you any favours
07 May 2016

3. You're expecting too little and it doesn't do you any favours

If you believe you don't deserve love, you will accept anyone that comes along. Self-awareness is the first step toward mental freedom and attracting the right person into your life. Having little or no expectations could mean you "trying" on every guy to see how that fits. Don't waste your time. Each one of us has a certain fit with another. Some fits just work better – for example, if you're always late, don't look for someone who's always punctual, look for someone who won't complain each time you're not on time. Always know where you stand so that you can chart where you want to go.

4. Your deal breakers are one too many
4. Your deal breakers are one too many
07 May 2016

4. Your deal breakers are one too many

You’re out the second he does something cringeworthy - scratching the inside of his eczema-laced ears at the dinner table or the fact that he a bring-his-own-Chinese-toothpick-after-a-meal kind of guy. And he's so pushing the limit by not cracking that Chilli Crab claw or stripping those shells off those Drunken Prawns for you before sloshing his cooked crustaceans down with Tiger Beer.

It's time to ask yourself what really matters - A guy who will take care of you and the family, plan and provision for a rainy day, and makes Friday nights a No Conference Call night? Or a man dresses like he walked off the pages of GQ, ranks your needs as high as his in bed and boasts dining etiquette fit for a King? The best deal breakers are ones of abuse or infidelity. And even those have seen couples work through the heartbreaks. Find your middle ground.
 

5. You’re always looking for that
5. You’re always looking for that "so in love," head-in-the-clouds feeling
07 May 2016

5. You’re always looking for that "so in love," head-in-the-clouds feeling

It's hands down one for the living. But when you've lived a little, love hormones often become a mini-on-cloud-nine feeling that's chin pressed against a reality you can't ignore and are daily servicing.

If you're someone who says "why" when love chemicals do a David Blaine disappearance, then you might as well believe in mermaids and fairies because that in love feeling in its original form never lasts. Blame it on the non-logical nature of love hormones but do get with the program.

6. You always say
6. You always say "he's not good enough" but you can't really say why
07 May 2016

6. You always say "he's not good enough" but you can't really say why

Upgrade is your alias. So you drift from one hookup or mini relationship to another. Do you rely on your "when I see him, I will know it" instinct? Dangerous.

The problem is, when you do see him, there might not be fireworks right away. If you don't have at least a vague idea of what you want (values, traits, personality type) or need (a patient man, who's kind and reliable), how will you know when Mr. Right does make an appearance?

7. You're single and desperate, and it shows
7. You're single and desperate, and it shows
07 May 2016

7. You're single and desperate, and it shows

Your biological clock ticks louder than your iPhone alarm. You badly you want kids, a family and a man, in that order. You make no secret of blaspheming women who're "happily married" and "have it all." Your desperation gives you an anger management problem, which shows on your sleeve whenever you're in the company of men. Problem is: most men want it simple. They sense desperation and negativity, and they don't dig that.

8. You bring baggage
8. You bring baggage
07 May 2016

8. You bring baggage

You're jaded. Hung up on an ex. No one is good enough when compared to the one who got away and now calls someone else Queen Bee. Yup, been there, done that and don't want to do it again. Yet, you're in the market for a mate. Men can see through baggage and games (most of the time). They don't like being tested. Move past the bitter medicine. Forgive, forget, compartmentalize. Whatever helps you claim your handle back. Just don't make someone your emotional outhouse with your psychological sewage. It will only stink in the end.

9. You give away
9. You give away "the milk" before they've even rented the cow
07 May 2016

9. You give away "the milk" before they've even rented the cow

Women have earned the right to sleep around as often as men do. Yet, double standards exist. Sleeping with a man on the first few dates may actually brand you a "milk maid." What that means? He will continue to see you. For dinner and booty calls. But he may not take you seriously.

It's old fashioned and unfair. Most men judge you on when you "give it up" early on in the game. Even if that's his standard calling card. So don't start playing baseball until you both hang out for a bit. First base (holding hands) should be something he initiates and dreams about.
 

10. Do you marry the man you love or do you love the man you marry?
10. Do you marry the man you love or do you love the man you marry?
07 May 2016

10. Do you marry the man you love or do you love the man you marry?

Our founding father once famously said: "I don't believe in love at first sight... Stop looking for Mr Perfect. What's in the market? Look around you! It's your brothers, cousins and neighbors. That's what's available."

Independent women pick and choose. Just don't eye that rainbow and lose everything else.
 

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