Now that wedding season is well under way, you’re probably scrambling to make sure that everything’s in order for your friend’s big day. You’ve gotten your dress, completed your to-do lists, and have even engineered a perfectly embarrassing gatecrashing game. But as the months preceding the wedding become weeks, and the weeks become days, and the days hours, you start to realise that nothing could have prepared you for the following duties:
1. Abstaining from carbs for 6 months so that you can fit into the bridesmaid gown
With all your hopes of a ruffled (read: fat-disguising) bridesmaid gown out the window, you’ve got to bid pasta and pizza adieu until your duties are over.
2. Giving her the slinkiest, frilliest set of lingerie as a present during the hen’s night before making her ugly-cry with a video montage of all her friends’ well-wishes
A bridesmaid’s duties start months, perhaps even a year, before the wedding itself. First up, the gift of lacy undergarments, which you will of course make her open in front of all her friends during her hen’s night. But make sure you allay those tears of embarrassment with tears of joy. If you’re feeling especially ambitious (or if she has a lot of friends overseas who can’t make it to the ceremony), you’ll substitute the card with an emotional video montage full of sappy songs, old photos, and video messages that you collected over the course of a month.
3. Creating décor for the photo booth at 3 AM the night before the wedding
You will curse the day you decided to DIY 250 mason jar place settings a la Pinterest, but come reception time, it will all look so personalised and cute that you won’t even remember staying up late.
4. Deal with the bride when she’s being a bridezilla
And by “calm down the bride”, we mean acquiesce to her every demand, because no amount of assurance will convince a bridezilla that everything is going to be okay. Nor will it stop her from sending you hourly “SOS” messages in the group chat. Just make sure that you’re contactable on the big day. She might not show any appreciation, but just seeing you helping out from a distance will help her feel less stressed amidst all the activity.
5. Deal with the groom when he’s being a groomzilla
The only thing more annoying than a groomzilla is a band of clueless groomsmen. No one will RSVP to his weekly wedding planning conference calls! His groomsman got diarrhoea after the gatecrashing game! His brother showed up to the church with a terrible haircut! Your job as the bridesmaid is to keep him from unnecessarily stressing out the bride. Even if it means demanding that his ”bros” to take him outside.
6. Making small talk with all the bride’s friends and family
Yes, this also means pulling her tipsy grandfather away from the open bar. And telling a group of snooty aunties that they’re sitting at the wrong table. Or distracting future mother-in-law when she starts becoming a mother-in-law-zilla.
7. Helping her hold packs of tissue paper during the solemnisation
“You may now kiss the bride” doesn’t have quite the effect when the bride’s face is covered in snot. Make sure you bring a pack of tissues down the aisle so you can dash to her rescue at the first sight of tears.
Not all brides cry at the altar, but they’re all dead-set on making sure everyone else does. So take the lead and let out a few sniffles. Apply eye drops during the reception if that’s what it’s going to take, because you’ll never hear the end of it if her wedding video isn’t filled with shots of people sobbing.
9. Help the bride dabao French fries and Red Bull during breaks
You know what’s worse than an angry bride? A HANGRY BRIDE. In between greeting guests, getting changed, and you know, getting married, she won’t have time to eat more than one or two courses. She’ll love you forever when you show up in her room with a plate full of French fries and canapés (stay away from anything that could stain her gown).
10. Being an usher
This is by far the worst bridesmaid task, and let’s face it, the family members who are assigned to the reception table might need a little help herding everyone inside. You’ll miss the best parts of the ceremony when you’re stuck outside manning the door, but it’s a hundred times better than having a bunch of noisy latecomers burst in just as the couple is about to say “I do”.
11. Do some kind of corny flash mob dance at some point in the evening
A week before the wedding, you’ll be minding your own business, when suddenly, you’ll be invited to an “URGENT” group chat.
“Guys,” the groom will write. “Me and my wifey have decided that you’re all going to do the ‘Shake It Off’ dance between the third and fourth course. Can we meet ASAP? We’re going to need daily rehearsals starting TONIGHT.”
But don’t worry. This isn’t even the most embarrassing thing you’ll have to do all night.
12. Running to catch the bouquet
At last we've arrived at the most sacrificial task ever. In her defense, the bride doesn’t want a hundred-dollar bouquet to end up on the floor. Or in the hands of her hubby’s annoying cousin. (Secretly, she’s dying for you to get hitched as well, and broadcasting your eligibility via bouquet toss is the easiest way to expedite the process).