Have you ever had a male friend who complained that women only date jerks? Who threw a fit when he was “friend zoned” by his female BFF, despite everything he’s done for her? Then you probably know a guy with Nice Guy Syndrome, a term for someone who believes that women reject him because he’s “too nice.” Nice Guys think that their chivalrous ways make them more deserving of love, so naturally, they get angry and confused when a woman turns them down.
Most of the time, Nice Guys are pitiable at best, and annoying at worst. But when left unchecked, their entitlement can lead to misogyny and even murder. Just last week, 22-year-old Elliot Rodger killed 7 people and injured 13 others after vowing a “Day of Retribution” for all the women who had turned him down. Despite being “magnificent,” the perfect guy, and the ultimate gentleman, he remained a 22-year-old virgin who had never even kissed a girl. In the words of his manifesto, if Elliot couldn’t have them, he would destroy them.
Of course, not every Nice Guy is an Elliot Rodger, but if there’s one thing they have in common, it’s their misguided belief that they’re prime boyfriend material. Your lack of a girlfriend might simply be bad luck, but if you’ve ever uttered the phrase “nice guys win last,” then it’s probably for one of the following reasons.
1. Nice Guys fixate their attention on one girl and refuse to give up even when she expresses disinterest
“When I fall in love, I fall hard,” says the Nice Guy, but in reality, he’s put his crush on such a high pedestal that he no longer thinks of her as a person. She’s a conquest. No other woman could possibly measure up to this goddess. When she says no, he’s not discouraged. “No” doesn’t mean no. No means “not right now.”
….of course, when this girl eventually starts dating someone else, the Nice Guy is despondent over losing his one chance at true love. How could she choose someone else when no one could possibly love her as much as he does? By becoming obsessed with one girl, the Nice Guy not only cuts off all his other options, but he judges all other women based on how his “true love” so cruelly rejected him.
2. Nice Guys have the wrong definition of “The Friend Zone”
Here’s what a Nice Guy thinks the Friend Zone means:
Scenario 1: When he’s been in love with his best gal pal since primary school but she only sees him as a brother/cousin/friend/priest
Scenario 2: When he meets a great girl at a party and asks her out, only for her to say “we should just be friends.”
In both cases, the Nice Guy can’t understand why the girl won’t reciprocate his feelings despite how gentlemanly he is, how well she knows him, and how much better he is than the scores of other dudes she’s dated. He can only conclude that despite his best efforts, he’s fallen into the dreaded Friend Zone.
…but sorry guys. That ain’t the Friend Zone. Both of the aforementioned scenarios are just a classic case of non-attraction. It doesn’t matter whether you’ve known the girl for a decade or an hour. She’s simply not into you.
Now consider this scenario: You love your female BFF, and she loves you too, but she doesn’t think the two of you belong in a relationship. Maybe she’s scared intimacy. Maybe she’s not ready to get attached. Or maybe she feels that despite your mutual affection, the two of you aren’t compatible. Whatever the reason, she loves you, but she doesn’t want to date you.
This, people, is the Friend Zone.
3. Nice Guys think they can “wear a woman down” if they just work hard enough
Of course, the occasional Nice Guy will insist that his female BFF loves him on some level, she just doesn’t know it yet, and that if he works hard enough, she’ll one day reciprocate his feelings. It’s only a matter of time, the Nice Guy reasons, before she comes to her senses and realises that he’s her best option for true love. As if women are crazy for not choosing him in the first place.
4. Nice Guys use weird tricks to make women fall in love with them
Nice Guys are so insecure, they use weird tactics to pick up women rather than approaching them like normal human beings. Instead of learning how to converse properly, Nice Guys use “pick-up artist” techniques like negging, where guys use backhanded compliments to undermine a woman’s self-confidence, thus making her more vulnerable to his advances.
Obviously, this is something no decent guy would do, but Nice Guys are so fixated on cracking the code of womankind that they’ve forgotten how to interact with women without objectifying them. Heads up, Nice Guys – a simple “hello” and casual small talk will get you much farther than any Barney Stinson-like trick ever will.
5. Nice Guys blame everyone but themselves
Instead of working on themselves, Nice Guys blame their circumstances, women, and even other guys for their failure to find a girlfriend.
“I’m a nice guy,” the Nice Guy says. “But women only date d-bags.”
“I’m a nice guy,” the Nice Guy says. “It’s just that women are shallow and only date guys with muscles.” (Uh, then sign up for the gym?)
“I’m a nice guy,” the Nice Guy says. “But women only want men who treat them like crap.”
Women like men who are confident, not men who feel sorry for themselves. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a drug-addicted loan shark or a gentleman who rescues kittens from trees. No one wants to date a guy who needs that much affirmation.
6. Nice Guys perform nice deeds with an ulterior motive
Nice guys might be experts at holding open doors, listening to other people’s problems, and footing the bill, but the fact that they get so angry when the girl turns him down despite these good deeds shows that his actions were ultimately self-serving. Nice Guys believe that they can trade nice gestures for sex or love, and that they somehow deserve it more simply because they tried harder.
What Nice Guys don’t understand is that women respond to sincerity. Good deeds that are designed to “win” a girl over won’t make her feel loved, they’ll make her feel manipulated. Whether or not she reciprocates your feelings, your gestures should be given without expecting anything in return.
7. Nice Guys use friendship to get close to a woman instead of being upfront about their feelings
Plenty of Nice Guys become BFFs with a girl in hope that the friendship will naturally progress into a romance. While many relationships do spring out of platonic friendships, these friendships were formed because the two people genuinely (and mutually) enjoyed each other’s company. Not because one party decide to pursue a friendship under false pretenses rather than being upfront with his intentions. The minute a girl gets wind that the Nice Guy thinks that she “owes him” for his loyalty, she’s out. Like we said, women appreciate confidence and sincerity. Rejection might be scary, but it’s better to give it a shot and get rejected now than after a year of uh, “friendship”.
8. Nice Guys consider themselves better than other men
Nice Guys conform to a “me vs. the world” type of mentality, where mankind consists of only two types of people: jerks and – you guessed it – nice guys. If a confident guy sweeps a girl off her feet, it’s because he’s cocky and girls love cocky guys. If a girl mentions that another guy is friendly, well, he’s friendly because he only wants to get in her pants. Also, guys who are socially adept are like car salesmen – all style and no substance, unlike the strong and silent Nice Guy. They have everything to offer, yet women always go for the more aggressive, attractive, and underserving bad boys. The world is so unfair.
9. Nice Guys are too passive to go after they want
At last, we’ve reached what is probably the number one turnoff about Nice Guys. Nice Guys spend more time complaining about women than they do actually pursuing them. Nice Guys whine that they’re invisible, that women don’t know what they want, and that they’re no one appreciates chivalry anymore, without ever making a move. When you suggest that the Nice Guy be upfront with the girl, he goes into a big spiel about how he doesn’t want to pressure her. That girls would rather be won with friendship than with an invitation to dinner. And when the girl doesn’t recognise all his “signs”, well, he gets mad.
We get it, Nice Guys. Asking a girl out is scary. Telling someone you’ve known for five years how you really feel is akin to jumping off the Empire State Building.