There are plenty of reasons women turn down a man: he’s irresponsible, he’s still hung up on his ex-girlfriend, and…his Facebook profile makes him look like a terrible boyfriend candidate. It’s not rocket science: if your statuses are constantly depressing, then people are going to judge you as a depressing person. If more than half of your photos are of you posing with five different beautiful women at a nightclub, then people are going to think that you’re a player.
As much as we’d like to argue that Facebook depicts only what we want to show, and not who we really are, people will continue to take what you post at face value. We all know that even our most glamorous or happily-married Facebook friends have their own problems, but that doesn’t stop us from feeling envious while surveying their seemingly perfect lives. While a guy’s not necessarily a narcissistic d-bag just because he posts three gym selfies a day, most girls won’t bother fighting that impression while scrolling through the hundreds of other posts on her news feed.
So if you can’t seem to find a girlfriend, you might want to considering tweaking the following things on your Facebook profile (or just not adding us on Facebook altogether).
1. Spamming our newsfeeds with inflammatory articles
Controversy is one thing. Who doesn’t want to read a challenging opinion piece or look at photos from a vastly under-reported tragedy abroad? But a constant barrage of articles that are purposely politically-charged, bitter, or argumentative will make you look like the type of guy who’s always picking a fight – or worse, who will make his girlfriend feel stupid if she doesn’t share (or understand) his ideology.
2. Flamewars in the comments
If you have a compulsive need to defend yourself against every naysayer in the comments section, then you’re going to end up looking like someone who doesn’t know how to pick his battles. Who cares if the ex-colleague you haven’t seen in five years disagrees with the link you posted last night? Who cares if your Facebook friends insist that you buy a Samsung phone in a status you wrote about wanting the new iPhone? It’s not worth getting mad about, and it’s certainly not worth losing dates over. Girls like guys who are level-headed, cool, and have better things to do than reply to Facebook comments all day.
3. First world problems
“Dear restaurants: Please stop putting lemon in your water…orz…”
“So hot all the time, why Singapore, why.”
“Train fault AGAIN, stuck for 10 minutes, whatever happened to our world-class system?!”
“Another long week at work…sigh….”
“Credit card company just called to say that my card would be delayed for another week…so stupid.”
Calm down, your highness. Girls are attracted to guys who are happy and grateful, not entitled and whiny. We like guys who will fix a flat tire instead of crying about it, and who understands that it’s a privilege to even have a job, no matter how tiring it is. It’s normal to get annoyed over everyday grievances, but what’s to stop you from taking out that annoyance on a girlfriend if you can’t even control yourself from venting about it to your 500 Facebook friends?
4. Your profile picture is a shirtless gym mirror shot
A solo pic of yourself on a surfboard? Okay. A vacation selfie of yourself posing with a coconut? We’ll live. But nothing says “COMPLIMENT ME” like picture of you flexing in front of the mirror. Unless you were formerly obese and have been documenting your weight-loss journey online over the past year (in that case, good for you) no one’s going to feel turned on by your shameless bids for affirmation.
5. Half your tagged photos are of yourself, intoxicated, posing alongside club-going women who are clearly out of your league
Use your Facebook profile to attract girls, in just three easy steps:
Step one: Detag all the old photos of yourself groping scantily-clad promoters while out clubbing*
Step two: Upload a dozen pictures of yourself posing with your pets, your parents, and with groups of wholesome-looking friends
Step three: Watch the “Likes” and the phone numbers roll in
It’s really that easy.
*Step 1.5: Actually stop doing this.
6. You’re still tagged in photos with your ex-girlfriend
There’s no reason mushy couple photos should still appear on feed once you’ve moved on. Keeping all those idyllic vacation shots online is akin to still sleeping with the pillow your ex-girlfriend left at your apartment. The girls who interested in dating you will feel a lot more secure once you make it clear that you’re not hung up on anyone else.
7. Only posting immature listicles or click-baiting pieces
If there’s one thing you should have already learned while reading this, it’s that what you consume reflects who you are as a person. And people will judge you on what you choose to reveal. If every single thing you post has a title like “He Heard a Strange Noise Upstairs…What He Found Is The BEST THING YOU’LL SEE ALL DAY” or “25 ways to fart in public without anyone noticing”, then women will regard you as more of a “bro” than a boyfriend.
8. Incessant self-promotion (“please join my cause!!!”)
At last, we’ve arrived at the most irritating spam of all – incessant self-promotion. In other words, blanket invites to join your Facebook group, daily posts about your Top 4 company, and never-ending pleas that we support your social cause. And heaven help you if you tag us individually in your statuses. While you might think women would be impressed that you started a foundation to save stray puppies or whatever, you’ll be surprised at how easily a lack of social media know-how will negate your do-gooder reputation.
9. Leaving nothing to the imagination
You know why the typical hot guy is always described as a tall, dark, and handsome stranger? Because he’s mysterious. And there is nothing mysterious about posting picture of every meal you cook, about giving us live updates on your perils with public transport, or about immortalising everything your hilarious boss says in a nightly status update. You don’t need to tag yourself in every location you visit, or upload 10 photos of your hotel room (in 10 different angles) every time you go on a business trip. In fact, don’t even talk about your business trip until you get a chance to talk to the girl in person. At least then you’ll have something to update her about. Reveal too much about your life online, and you’ll kill a girl’s curiosity altogether.
10. Updating way too often
Almost everyone’s addicted to Facebook nowadays, but do yourself a favour and keep your constant newsfeed refreshing on the DL. If you update more than three times a day, change your profile picture once a week, and are constantly sharing random memes from your news feed….then you probably don’t have much else going on in life. You’re boring. Dating you would be akin to dating a piece of broccoli. At least that’s what girls figure while seeking a guy who’s productive, ambitious, and who has better things to do than surf the internet all day.