PHOTO: David Maung/ EPA
PHOTO: David Maung/ EPA
“You’ve never WHAT?”
“I’ve never, uhhh, read Harry Potter.”
So the truth is out. Your boyfriend/girlfriend began the night raving about the new material J.K. Rowling posted on Pottermore during Halloween, only to descend into a spiral of rage after realising that you’ve never read or watched the series.
Normally, your failure to engage in the most important literary phenomenon of our time would be grounds for a breakup, but well, wizards marry Muggles all the time, so all is forgiven – as long as you mind the following realities about dating your mega-Potterhead partner,
1. THEY’VE HELPED YOU CREATE A POTTERMORE ACCOUNT JUST SO YOU CAN TAKE THE SORTING HAT QUIZ TOGETHER
You know the person loves you when they try to justify the fact that you’re together, despite your improbable House pairing (“Errr, yeah, Hufflepuffs and Slytherins get married all the time, as long as the guy is the Hufflepuff and the girl is the Slytherin – you know, maybe we should just retake it….”)
And if both of you end up in the same House, they squeal in delight, snap a photo of your laptop screens, and post it on Instagram with the caption “meant to be <3."
2. THEY’VE ASKED YOU TO HELP THEM SORT ALL THEIR MUTUAL FRIENDS INTO THEIR HOUSES AT HOGWARTS
After you’ve Sorted yourselves, one of the first things you’ll discuss as boyfriend and girlfriend is where your friends belong at Hogwarts. She will then proceed to attribute all their problems to their respective Houses (“Well of course he never gets promoted, Hufflepuffs don’t know how to play the game.”)
3. THEY’VE CALLED YOU A SQUIB FOR SAYING THAT THE SERIES IS FOR KIDS
After which you’ll be subjected to a long rant about how the genius of Harry Potter transcends time, age, and capitalist marketing. Also, the book has ZOMBIES. And murders! And a bunch of deep quotes about death, leadership, friendship, and love! IT’S SO NOT FOR KIDS.
4. THEY SUBSTITUTE HEXES FOR ACTUAL COMEBACKS
Petrificus Totalus, Avada Kedavra, Sectumsempra, “I wish I could Imperio my boss into giving me a raise”…you’ve heard them all, even if you have no idea what any of them mean. Also, you’ve totally caught them saying “Accio remote” and “Alohomora” in front of a locked door.
5. THEY OWN MORE THAN ONE SET OF THE BOOKS AND MOVIES
They own a set of books to lend out, a set of books to keep at home, and an E-version for their iPads. And you could have sworn that you caught them eyeing the special edition online the other day. (HINT HINT anniversary present).
6. THEY CAN STILL SPEND HOURS DISCUSSING THE SERIES EVEN THOUGH IT’S BEEN SEVEN YEARS SINCE THE LAST BOOK CAME OUT, AND THREE SINCE THE LAST FILM CAME OUT.
They’ve discussed every element of the books a hundred times, yet the questions “What is your Patronus?”, “Who should Hermione REALLY have married”, and “What kind of classes do they teach at Durmstrang?” should be enough to keep you up till dawn.
7. DEEP INSIDE, YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU WERE TO GET MARRIED, THEY WOULD DEMAND THAT THE HONEYMOON TAKE PLACE AT THE WIZARDING WORLD OF HARRY POTTER
Sorry, but chugging Butterbeer at The Three Broomsticks is INFINITELY more appealing than drinking pina coladas in Cancun. Prepare to return with a suitcase full of Cauldron Cakes, Chocolate Frogs, Omnioculars, and of course, a wand, which they will point at random broken objects at home while yelling, “REPARO”.
That said, if Florida sounds a little fair, hitting up London to pose with Platform 9 ¾ at Kings Cross isn’t a bad alternative either.
8. THEY START FROTHING AT THE MOUTH WHENEVER THEY CAN’T REMEMBER A PIECE OF MUNDANE HARRY POTTER TRIVIA
They pretty much had a breakdown after failing to remember what a Sneakoscope does or that Harry’s wand is made of holly. Secretly, they’re relieved that your Harry Potter ignorance will prevent you from ever calling them out on forgetting the series’ minutiae.
9. THEY’VE NAMED THEIR PETS AND VARIOUS HOUSEHOLD OBJECTS AFTER HARRY POTTER CHARACTERS
They’ve owned a black cat named Bellatrix, a red hamster named Ron, and a Chihuahua named Dobby. And it doesn’t stop at pets. They’ve also named their Roomba Sirius, their iPod Remus, and have christened their cheating ex-boyfriend as Wormtail and their evil boss as “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.”
10. THEY’VE BEGGED YOU AT LEAST ONCE TO PARTAKE IN A HARRY POTTER COUPLES COSTUME
One of the reasons your partner was so excited to get into a relationship is that at long last, he or she can FINALLY devise a Harry Potter couples costume. You can be Remus Lupin to her Nymphadora Tonks! The Ron to her Hermione! Or err, the Hedwig to his Harry? And this is only the beginning. Soon you’ll be hosting movie marathons in your flat while she frosts cupcakes to look like the Golden Snitch.
11. THEIR IDEA OF A ROMANTIC GESTURE IS SEEING YOU READ OR WATCH HARRY POTTER JUST TO IMPRESS THEM
How to seduce a mega Harry Potter fan, steps 1 to 4:
1. Buy all the books in hardcover. Don’t ask if you can borrow theirs. Purchase your own set to demonstrate the depth of your commitment.
2. Spend an entire weekend reading them cover to cover (preferably late into the night, taking breaks only to eat or use the bathroom)
3. Say something to the effect of “What have I been missing my entire life? Baby, I was wrong.”
4. Get married and live happily ever after