With every additional year we spend being single, our taste in guys progresses something like this:
Age 16-20: I want to date someone who is popular!
Age 20-28: I want to date someone who is successful!
Age 28 and beyond: I want to date someone who is normal!
And by normal, we mean someone who gets along with people just fine and can hold a job for longer than a year. By age 28 and beyond, you stop looking for a Lee Min Ho-lookalike chaebol and start focusing on the nice, stable guys that you used to friendzone. But as karma would have it, all of those guys are now attached to women who recognised the value of dating a normal nice guy, leaving you with a bunch of weirdos. Here are 10 of the most common types of guys who cannot make it:
1. THE PAMPERED PRINCE
Despite being a grown man, this guy simply can’t let go of his number one girl: his mother. At first you thought it was kind of sweet that he dotes on her so much, but honestly, it’s a little weird that he still needs to check in with her at 10 pm every night to tell her his whereabouts. She even drives him to work every morning! You also know for a fact that his mum still helps him buy his office clothes and that she would drop dead if she ever saw her precious offspring holding hands with a girl who wasn’t mummy-approved.
2. THE SUPER PASSIVE SHY GUY
Shy guys are cute….in romantic comedies. In real life, they make you want to stab things. You can talk to each other for hours, as long as you’re the one who takes the initiative. He never messages you first. He never even approaches you in person! He’s always waiting around until the two of you are conveniently seated together before he starts talking, wherein he reveals himself to be a smart, funny, and altogether normal and eligible guy. So why is nothing happening? Either he’s not interested, but is too nice to ignore you, or he’s just too shy to say hi to you first. Whatever the case, this guy cannot make it.
3. THE WANNABE COMEDIAN
Being around this guy is exhausting. He’s got a big presence and an even bigger personality, meaning that he commands more attention than you are willing to give. Every time there’s a group gathering, he just has to tell a million long-winded stories, mostly revolving around his alcohol-laden escapades. Elsewhere, such as in group chats, he’s the one spamming everyone with jokes and memes late into the night. Yes, it’s true that we love a guy who can make us laugh, but we also appreciate someone who knows when to be quiet.
4. THE GUY WHO IS ALWAYS COMPLAINING
Yeah, we know it’s a little hypocritical to include guys who complain on a list of complaints about guys, but come on, every woman who’s learned how to take the good in with the bad would be disinclined to date someone who only saw the bad. Like the pampered prince, this guy can’t deal with the minor challenges of everyday life. “WHY DOESN’T THIS MACHINE TAKE THE OLD S$1 COINS? WHY DOES THE BUS APP SAY ‘2 MINS’ WHEN IT’S REALLY ‘ARR’? WHY IS THIS TAXI UNCLE PLAYING GETAI MUSIC?” If this guy can’t deal with minor irritations, then how’s he supposed to deal with s*** when it actually hits the fan? Like, what would happen if his house got robbed? Or if he got retrenched? Women who know how to take care of themselves are attracted to guys who are solid, not guys who are burdened by first world problems.
5. THE GUY WHO CAN’T GET WITH THE PROGRAMME
In other words, he’s totally blur. This is the type of guy who will always need to borrow money because he never withdraws enough from the ATM. Without fail, he’ll forget his passport when you all are driving to J.B., and he’s constantly an hour late because he always presses “off” instead of “snooze” on his alarm.
6. THE GUY WHO JUST BROKE UP WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND OF 7 YEARS
He might have a good personality, good character, a good job, a hands-off mum, and a keen sense of responsibility, but all of those things are null if he still carries the ghost of his ex-girlfriend. You’re not quite ready to be with someone who’d been in the midst of wedding planning just three months ago, but hey, out of all the guys on this list, he’s the closest to making it – give or take a few years.
7. THE TACTLESS GUY
You didn’t know it was possible, but this guy somehow went 30 years without developing any common sense. He’s got a knack for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, and being totally unapologetic. His comments range from observations about your physical appearance (“You have a huge zit!”) to awkward questions about your personal life (“YOU play sports? Really?”) to backhanded compliments (“You’re really smart for someone who went to a neigbhourhood school”). Ugh, just stop.
8. THE SUPER INSECURE GUY WHO HAS GIVEN UP ON LIFE
Basically, he’s given up on life and spends all his time playing computer games, sleeping on the couch, and eating Doritos off his rapidly bulging beer belly. Whenever people ask him what he’s doing nowadays, he says he’s “working on a project” or doing research for some new business. He accuses anyone who takes up a healthy lifestyle of being a try-hard and scoffs at his friends for selling out to The Man. Everyone should just chill out, right?! Of course, all this is just a defence mechanism for his lack of drive and success, but until this guy figures himself out, surely, he cannot make it.
9. THE GUY WHO VASTLY OVERESTIMATES HIS HOTNESS
Confidence is good. Delusion is not. In addition to spamming our Instagram feeds with photo grids of selfies, this hilariously misguided narcissist truly believes that he’s just one night of clubbing away from assembling a harem of beautiful women. He hits on you like crazy, and when you turn him down, hits on the rest of your friends, figuring that if he tries hard enough, surely someone will fall under his spell. As someone who considers himself well-read, he’ll never hesitate to quote The Alchemist on Facebook or to pepper his dialogue with random French idioms. Don’t be surprised if he goes on an overseas trip and comes back with a fake European accent. He also wears a fedora 24/7, even though the rest of his outfit consists of just a T-shirt and bermudas.
10. THE GUY WHO ACTUALLY HATES WOMEN
Ah, misogyny. This guy might as well be a time traveller, given his backward understanding of women: “Why do girls make such a big deal out of being catcalled? It’s a compliment!” “Wow, you run really fast…for a girl.” “You only liked ‘The Avengers’ because of all the hot guys, right?” “When women say no, they actually mean yes. Guys just need to try harder.” BYE.