A dating expert’s guide to dealing with breakups

We sat down with dating agency Lunch Actually’s “chief cupid” Violet Lim to hear her thoughts on various post-split practices


Photos: TPG

Love makes people do crazy things – and so do breakups. Just look at Luke and Joe in ongoing Toggle Originals series The Breakup List, where they embark on all kinds of crazy adventures after being cruelly dumped. But while it’s totally fine to do things like find a new hobby, travel, or just binge on ice cream as you sob over a sappy K-drama, there are other reactions that you should totally stay away from.

“When someone is broken up with, they want to know why (they were dumped), but one of the worst things to do is to keep chasing that ex-partner for a reason,” says Violet Lim, the CEO, co-founder and “chief cupid” of local dating company Lunch Actually. “It doesn’t matter because whatever it is, they have already made their decision.”

She adds that trying to win an ex back, particularly through extreme means like stalking, can be “very counterproductive”, and decreases their chances of actually succeeding. So what should – and shouldn’t – you do after a split? Read on for more:


Toggle: What’s one of the first things you should do after a breakup?
Violet: Take a step back and reassess your priorities. A lot of times in a relationship, we end up being moulded into someone more suitable for our partners, which may not necessarily be our authentic selves. So a breakup is actually a good opportunity to see what’s important to you, which may put you on the right path to your next relationship.

Ultimately, being in a relationship is not about making yourself complete – you need to be complete by yourself first before getting into a relationship.

Is there a “right” way to try and win someone back?
You should create a distance between yourself and your ex to show that you are perfectly fine on your own. The more needy and desperate you seem, the more unattractive you will be. But if your ex sees you and wonders how come you’re so happy, it might trigger more attraction. We have shared this with our clients and friend before, and it works!

What about the worst way?
The worst thing to do is to call up your ex’s family, friends and colleagues to try and ask them to get you back together. We once had a person who signed up with our agency, and not long after, we got a call from someone claiming to be our client’s ex, asking us not to accept the person as our client. This is something that people should not do – it’s very scary and stalkerish, and might reinforce why the person broke up with you in the first place.


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